Everything Blows

A parody of “Anything Goes”

A technology-age rewrite of a song about a world where anything goes.

Everything Blows

Original lyrics

Life has changed

Times have changed

From industrial starting blocks,

And we’ve often rewound the clock

Trillions made from the rising stocks

Since the Puritans got a shock

Entertainment around the clock!

When they landed on Plymouth Rock

If today

Those before us saw lives so grand,

Any shock they should try to stem

They’d be dazzled around the clock,

’Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock

Like they’d seen the promised land

Plymouth Rock would land on them

From ancient days of vessels docking,

In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

To jumbo jet fliers mocking

Was looked on as something shocking

The crowded rows. Everything blows.

But now, God knows, anything goes

Once entertained by clouds and chirping birds

Good authors, too, who once knew better words

Now weep if ads usurp the words in our shows…

Now only use four-letter words writing prose

Everything blows.

Anything goes

The world has turned bland today,

The world has gone mad today

And on-brand today

And good’s bad today

We can’t write today

And black’s white today

We’re all trite today

And day’s night today

The new highs today

When most guys today

Are no surprise today

That women prize today

We just tweet the latest woes

Are just silly gigolos

And when we find the cure for cancer,

And though I’m not a great romancer

We’ll surely complain the answer

I know that you’re bound to answer

Yields itchy toes

When I propose

Everything blows.

Anything goes

When once we prayed for food on tables

When grandmama whose age is eighty

Now Doordash, the stuff of fables, is far too slow

In night clubs is getting matey with gigolos

Everything blows

Anything goes

Old lovers who shared hearts by letter

When mothers pack and leave poor father

Then now in a text, they never send warmth in prose

Because they decide they’d rather be tennis pros

Everything blows.

Anything goes

Are trips to the stars old news?

If driving fast cars you like

Are fast cars old news?

If low bars you like

Are watch springs old news?

If old hymns you like

Are code pings old news?

If bare limbs you like

When each crest’s a snooze,

If Mae West you like

We’re unimpressed by views

Or me undressed you like

Of our pocket videos

Why, nobody will oppose

Whenever we transplant a heart

When every night, the set that’s smart

And the visitors soon depart to catch Game of Thrones

Is intruding in nudist parties in studios

Everything blows

Anything goes

We work from our pads today

The world has gone mad today

(While unclad today)

And good’s bad today

We’re well-fed today

And black’s white today

(Not well-read today)

And day’s night today

And most guys today

When most guys today

See upper-thighs today

That women prize today

In ‘gram outfits that she chose

Are just silly gigolos

The world has gone mad today

And good’s bad today

And black’s white today

And day’s night today

When most guys today

That women prize today

Are just silly gigolos

So if we live to ‘till year one hundred

And though I’m not a great romancer

And gripe that we’re now encumbered

I know that you’re bound to answer

By T-bill flows

When I propose

Everything blows

Anything goes

And thus we despair despite

If saying your prayers you like

The cheap wares, despite

If green pears you like

The soft chairs, despite

If old chairs you like

The warm lairs, despite

If backstairs you like

The rising shares, despite

If love affairs you like

The low fares for flights

With young bears you like

For some weekend with the bros

Why, nobody will oppose

When every modern tech advancement

And though I’m not a great romancer

Brings subsequent disenchantment,

I know that you’re bound to answer

To average joes.

When I propose

Everything blows.

Anything goes

Everything

Anything

Everything

Anything

Everything

Anything

Everything Blows!

Anything goes