Parasites with their Dashboard Lines

A parody of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”

A consulting-life rewrite of a song about romance, commitment, and dashboard light.

Original lyrics

I remember evenings spent in hell

I remember every little thing

Reviewing numbers, wasting life away

As if it happened only yesterday

Fixing up the deck

Parking by the lake

Until the figures looked exactly right

And there was not another car in sight

And I never got to sleep

And I never had a girl

If the cells were off by a penny

Looking any better than you did

And all my friends from school

And all the kids at school

They were hustling for a fee each night

They were wishing they were me that night

And now our affluent lives are lame and trite

And now our bodies are oh so close and tight

We’re out of value-adds, and so we shill on sight

It never felt so good, it never felt so right

And we’re swapping out the footers on the edge of our slides,

And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

Burning up the hours in the prime of our lives…

Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

‘Till dawn! Late night grind!

C’mon! Hold on tight!

Code on! Ship on time!

C’mon! Hold on tight!

When the deck is polished, and its insight shines

Thought it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night

Who believes parasites with their dashboard lines?

I can see paradise by the dashboard light

Ain’t no doubt about it

We were doubly stressed

We were doubly blessed

Because the C-suite hadn’t seen

’Cause we were barely seventeen

Their core concerns addressed

And we were barely dressed

Countless doubts about it,

Ain’t no doubt about it

Numbers never tying out and

Baby got to go and shout it

Ain’t no doubt about it

We were doubly stressed

We were doubly blessed

What if the C-suite sees results

’Cause we were barely seventeen

And still they’re unimpressed?

And we were barely dressed

Client, can you see me sweat

Baby doncha hear my heart

Each time I calculate a ratio,

You got it drowning out the radio

I’ve been working so long

I’ve been waiting so long

It’s been a fortnight since I saw the sun!

For you to come along and have some fun

And I think that you should know,

And I gotta let you know

Benchmark comps were totally bullshit

No you’re never gonna regret it

It’s just weak disguise to meet your KPIs

So open up your eyes I got a big surprise

So I can sleep tonight,

It’ll feel all right

Just pretending that the work is done!

Well I wanna make your motor run

And though the quarterly sync is prepped and tight

And now our bodies are oh so close and tight

The client won’t sign off until the chart looks right

It never felt so good, it never felt so right

And we’re messing with the axes and the template designs,

And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

Tweaking the assumptions as we’re losing our minds

Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

‘Till dawn! Late night grind!

C’mon! Hold on tight!

Slave on! There’s no time!

C’mon! Hold on tight!

My net worth is rising as my health declines,

Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night

Can I flee parasites with their dashboard lines?

I can see paradise by the dashboard light

Parasites with their dashboard lines!

Paradise by the dashboard light

You try to say what you’ve planned,

You got to do what you can

And credentialism does the rest,

And let Mother Nature do the rest

Late nights burning out and

Ain’t no doubt about it

Madness unexpressed

We were doubly blessed

Because I’ve earned my PhD,

’Cause we were barely seventeen

And now I’m just depressed…

And we were barely

The narrative must appear tonight,

We’re gonna go all the way tonight

We’ve gotta finish the deck

We’re gonna go all the way

Before first light

And tonight’s the night…

The storyline must cohere tonight

We’re gonna go all the way tonight

We’ve gotta check and review,

We’re gonna go all the way

No bugs! Airtight!

And tonight’s the night…

OK ELT, we’ve got a huge meeting going here,
VPs, strategy leads, C-suite, three folks from APAC
First up, Thompson, smooth and safe, an executive summary
Solid buzzwords, “synergies”, “paradigm-shifts”, “leverage” and all the classic tropes, here comes the pause - throats are cleared. He’s gonna get grilled on that market analysis by the CFO, and the CEO definitely looks impatient. The big mucky muck is rising from the chair… He’s screwed, no wait, guy just wanted a danish, what a break they got early. Now Davis steps up to the front, mixing in a flow chart and a 2x2 matrix where every competitor is nearly positioned and the strategic opportunities show tremendous outside-the-box thinking! Holy cow, they’re nodding and smiling! Now Williams is daring to attempt a total-addressable-market exercise with three numbers that don’t match, pulling a blended average on the fly, leading into a spectacularly optimistic ROI projection, here it comes, holy cow, I think they’re gonna buy it!

OK, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here,
Two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth,
There’s the windup, and there it is, a line shot up the middle,
Look at him go. This boy can really fly! He’s rounding first and really turning it on now, he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna try for
second; the ball is bobbled out in center, and here comes the
throw, and what a throw! He’s gonna slide in head first, here he
comes, he’s out! No, wait, safe-safe at second base, this kid
really makes things happen out there. Batter steps up to the
plate, here’s the pitch-he’s going, and what a jump he’s got,
he’s trying for third, here’s the throw, it’s in the dirt-safe at
third! Holy cow, stolen base! He’s taking a pretty big lead out
there, almost daring him to try and pick him off. The pitcher
glances over, winds up, and it’s bunted, bunted down the third
base line, the suicide squeeze is on! Here he comes, squeeze
play, it’s gonna be close, holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Stop right there!

We’ll spend the dough right now…

I gotta know right now!

…but if you want to continue,

Before we go any further!

Should I trust you?

Do you love me?

Will your numbers pass muster?

Will you love me forever?

Should I heed you?

Do you need me?

Do I dare believe you?

Will you never leave me?

Will you make us all wealthy if this model’s applied?

Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?

Did you cherry-pick stats for the critical slides?

Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?

Should I trust you?

Do you love me!?

Should I act on your findings!?

Will you love me forever!?

Should I heed you?

Do you need me!?

All that text you speed through?

Will you never leave me!?

Your perfected deflections took the cynics in stride,

Will you make me happy for the rest of my life!?

Will you stand by your words, is there proof you provide?

Will you take me away and will you make me your wife!?

Can we fix scope right now?

I gotta know right now

Before I sign to extend you

Before we go any further

Can I trust you?

Do you love me!?

Is this insight or bluster?

Will you love me forever!?

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

Sync tomorrow, follow up on Slack,

Baby, baby let me sleep on it

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

I’ll add an appendix in the morning.

And I’ll give you an answer in the morning

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

Check with legal, keep the team on track,

Baby, baby let me sleep on it

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

We’ll build a new roadmap in the morning

And I’ll give you an answer in the morning

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

Check the data, give BI a crack,

Baby, baby let me sleep on it

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

I’ll ping you with numbers in the morning

And I’ll give you an answer in the morning

Can we fix scope right now?

I gotta know right now

Should I trust you?

Do you love me?

And the eloquent bluster,

Will you love me forever?

Should or heed you?

Do you need me?

And your endless previews

Will you never leave me?

When the handoff’s completed, and a deck is supplied

Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?

Will you hop on your plane, will you cast us aside?

Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?

So fix the scope right now!

I gotta know right now!

Before I sign an extension

Before we go any further

Can I trust you?

Do you love me?

And the scope you’ll deliver?

And will you love me forever?

Let me circle back

Let me sleep on it

Add some context, drop a note in Slack

Baby, baby let me sleep on it

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

We’ll add to the roadmap in the morning

And I’ll give you an answer in the morning

Let me circle back,

Let me sleep on it

Will you swear you’ll deliver?

Will you love me forever?

Let me circle back

Let me sleep on it

Will you swear you’ll deliver?

Will you love me forever!

I couldn’t prattle any longer,

I couldn’t take it any longer

Trapped! I had caved,

Lord I was crazed

Scopes were fixed and I was doomed to

And when the feeling came upon me

Spend my life enslaved

Like a tidal wave

I thought I’d won another contract with the hands I waved,

I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave

But they would never let me bill more time,

That I would love you to the end of time

“Fixed scope, or we cannot pay another dime!”

I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

And now I’m begging for another dime,

So now I’m praying for the end of time

And answers I can’t derive,

To hurry up and arrive

‘Cause every extra feature that the client requests,

’Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you

Means more weekends where my sleep is deprived

I don’t think that I can really survive

I’ll burn my evenings coding, never see my spouse

I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow

I’ll eat all the overage ‘till my checks all bounce!

But God only knows what I can do right now

Just creeping scope and overtime

I’m praying for the end of time

Or else I know they’ll sue!

It’s all that I can do

Playing with the dashboard lines,

Praying for the end of time,

Because I’m wholly, fully screwed!

So I can end my time with you!

It was years ago, and loaded clients paid,

It was long ago and it was far away

We billed at big, fat margins in the golden days

And it was so much better that it is today

We sold expensive goods

It never felt so good

We always sounded right

It never felt so right

And we were billing by the hour

And we were glowing like

As we wasted our lives

A metal on the edge of a knife